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Camp Pain 2000-Bait
John McCain receives the Republican nomination, and the day after, Obama’s campaign airs an advertisement about John McCain’s sultry affair with two of his cousins in his Senatorial Office on Capitol Hill, one of them being his male cousin, David. Several other radio and TV ads are aired in the weeks following, leveling charges against McCain ranging from accusing him of buying Cambodian babies on the black market, and then reselling them for Venezuelan oil (at a rate of 2 barrels per female child), to wild and outlandish claims that John McCain has been impotent since 1973 due to a vicious sexual assault on him by Spiro Agnew. John McCain spends the next three months speeding around the country in his unfortunately named “Return of the Straight Talk Express II” locked up for hours with various big media outlet reporters, frantically denying any charge he’s questioned on. “What? It was dark that night.” “No, that wasn’t a dog, it was my grandmother.” “No, the needle didn’t penetrate my skin…wait, she had what when I did what to her?”
McCain then suffers a terrible stroke/Ted Kennedy’s malignant brain tumor transplants itself into John McCain’s cortex, simultaneously. Bill Frist then assumes the role of Republican nominee for the candidacy. He gets 8% in the popular vote and wins only North Dakota and Rhode Island.
Chris Nunez
Hell Courier-Picayune Correspondent
